What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
