hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
