If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Boobs speak an international language.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
