He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize