Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
