I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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