Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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