You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
