I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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