I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
