put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
