then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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