I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
