he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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