How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize