Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
