I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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