remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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