he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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