hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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