Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's rum buckets o'clock
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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