Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
