I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
