I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize