I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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