It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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