apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
