The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
