So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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