I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
