Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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