I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
