billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
