she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
