There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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