between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize