I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize