I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize