sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
