Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
