What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Welp...herpes.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is the high leading the old right now
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize