So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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