When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I want her autograph on my taint
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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