fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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