How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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