She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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