Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
