Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
