Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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