she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
