i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
