nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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