your thong is hanging out like whoa
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
