apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
