legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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