Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
