Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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