I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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