Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
