I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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